Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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