WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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