Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
