Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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