I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
