I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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