She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
