mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
