Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
