Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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