I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
