Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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