until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
