LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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