atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
You're earring is so big in my mouth
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
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