i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
