I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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