dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
