its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
