You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
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