I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Randomize
