I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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