I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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