I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
