my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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