i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
