She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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