he puts the penis in happiness.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
