Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
