I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
