Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
