Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
