I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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