not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
