Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
