Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
