just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
