Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize