I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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