Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize