my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
