I just gift wrapped bread.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
