i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
where are my eyebrows?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
