I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
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