Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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