Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
im six kinds of drunk right now
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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