I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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