i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
The adults are the big ones right?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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