So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
