I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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