i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
