he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
