The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
