I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
