So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
