I want to have your abortion
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
