I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize