that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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