There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
